waiting in vain

It's been quite a while since I wrote something here. Not much change happens this past weeks yet I can say somehow the burden I carry lessens. Last February 4, 2010 I had hysterosalphinogram a procedure done to check your uterus through xray to see if you have blocked tubes or other problem 'causing infertility. I was so scared and there was a lot of things that comes in mind most of them are negative thoughts.I have asked so many families and friends to pray for me. The night before the procedure I prayed all the novena's I have and thankfully everything is well. My RE told me to take each day one step at a time and that we should try conceiving without any medicine help, do it the natural way. I am again waiting in vain. Yet, somehow the burden is lessen knowing that my uterus and tubes are normal. Thank you to all the angel's and saints most especially to Mama Mary and Papa Jesus. I will wait with the strength and optimism that sooner my prayers will be granted.

Faith

Today, I received God's message on my facebook " that faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty." This would be my second time of following the post " What God wants you to know today" in my facebook and I believed that he is really giving me answers iny my uncertainties. Maybe all I need right now is to let go and let HIM do his will. I will try to follow my RE's instruction and pray everyday. Try to avoid questions and negativity why haven't I received my hearts desire.

DAMN!!!

Damn the PT test!!! and I feel so stupid again!!!It's negative!!! I should have not done it!!!I haven't told my husband yet and I have no plan to do so. I'll just make him believe that I'm just delayed like the other months past and his used to it. I don't want to hurt him by telling him this. I'll have to really see my RE this friday. It also sucks that my RE only have monday and friday clinic days!!!
She is a nice and kind RE and she is will known to be very credible yet I feel so useless and stupid!!
I should have not took that f*** test!!! I wasn't able to sleep earlier because of this I was crying while praying too.

Earlier today my hubby asked me if I already had my period and I said not yet and looking on his eyes I can see that he doesn't want to hope too much and would pretend to ask ah well ok maybe you should go back to the doctor and asked why. I know he did this to avoid me getting hurt or to make sure that I wont be offended. He is trying his best to patient and strong for both of us. Most of the times he is optimistic in consoling me when I am down but there are times when he let out his feeling that he really want to have a child. When our friends are asking us we would try to be strong in answering them that its ok we know it would come at the right time. Though deep inside I wanted to tell them I am frustrated and I am sad but I wont and I dont want them to see me sad. Everyday I amtrying to not think of the fact or avoid feeling down thinking of a child but working in a hospital it is really hard coz eveywhere I could see preganant woman and baby being born. What I really hate is when people keep asking even if they have asked too many times or they are just being cruel!Oh what a day today is our 10month anniversay as a married couple and 5 years of boyfriend/girlfriend and 1 yr and 10months of TTC (ouch)Happy anniversay Mahal ko thak you for the patience and the unconditional love you give me. Love you hubby ko.

What Should I do?!!!

Today marks my 6th day of my delayed period and the only symptoms I have right now is I feel that my stomach contracts or harden inside whenever I sit especially if its really for a while. Should I be happy about this or should this be a bad concern?! I don't know what to do!! I want to take a PT but yet I highly doubt that I am pregnant! I don't want to be frustrated again. But I know I need to do this so that if its negative then I'll go to my OB and complain about this. And I know that If I go to my Ob she'll just prescribed me with provera to induce my period. Same things are being done over and over again and nothing happens. It is giving me false hopes. Damn! I am losing all my patience and my confidence. I am slowly breaking down!

Impatient

It's gonna be my day off today but annoyed that I need to stay here maybe till 10 am thats 8 hrs of duty and hoping that the meeting will not take 3 hours! I want to rest already and there are lots of things that I need to do. I am trying to fool my self by looking many time in the mirror trying to see if I have a fast beat of pulse on my neck (they say it would be one sign that your pregnant) and I dont see anything unsual at all !! Damn!! I am hoping for nothing again. I am beginning to lost patience and getting mad, annoyed, frustrated and sad! Need tos say more?! how I wish someone could talk to me and help me lift up my spirit. But I know if I try to open this open they would just all say the same thing "dont rush and it will come" F*** they don't know how it feels and how I just wanted them to just listen and hold me when I want to break down!!!

Aghhhhhh

I guess some may laugh on what I'm about to post here but I don't care 'coz I need to let this out.. I'm one day delayed wahhhhh as if this is good news or bad news I really don't know. I am trying not to hope that I am pregnant and I have this feeling that I am not. I am used to the fact that I do really have different cycles and being delayed is one thing that isn't unusual. Yet, I can't help to think if this could mean somthing positive because I am taking metformin. Though a while ago as I search for metformin and read that there are a higher percentage that there are really few woman who get pregnant on their first cycle of taking metformin. I am still praying everyday that HE will bless us soon with a baby but I could never deny that I am also being impatience. Sadness succombs me but I keep on being more optimistic and ignore or hid this feeling. There is something about me that I also Love that is I can Laugh on my Sadness and Frustrations. I mean I am trying to be brave enough to be more postive and still continue to live a happy life. People around me doesnt really know how I really feel about my sadness.

Me and Hubby doesn't frequently talk about what we really feel, instead we try to live life one day at a time and contiue to let HIM guide and do his will on time. But I also know that my hubby is longing to have a child and being brave enough to be strong when I feel so down. I'm on the night duty again and its hard to make an effort to make a baby when all the stress and pressure is around you. AGhhhhhhhhhhh..I dont know what to do anymore.!