Faith

Today, I received God's message on my facebook " that faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty." This would be my second time of following the post " What God wants you to know today" in my facebook and I believed that he is really giving me answers iny my uncertainties. Maybe all I need right now is to let go and let HIM do his will. I will try to follow my RE's instruction and pray everyday. Try to avoid questions and negativity why haven't I received my hearts desire.

DAMN!!!

Damn the PT test!!! and I feel so stupid again!!!It's negative!!! I should have not done it!!!I haven't told my husband yet and I have no plan to do so. I'll just make him believe that I'm just delayed like the other months past and his used to it. I don't want to hurt him by telling him this. I'll have to really see my RE this friday. It also sucks that my RE only have monday and friday clinic days!!!
She is a nice and kind RE and she is will known to be very credible yet I feel so useless and stupid!!
I should have not took that f*** test!!! I wasn't able to sleep earlier because of this I was crying while praying too.

Earlier today my hubby asked me if I already had my period and I said not yet and looking on his eyes I can see that he doesn't want to hope too much and would pretend to ask ah well ok maybe you should go back to the doctor and asked why. I know he did this to avoid me getting hurt or to make sure that I wont be offended. He is trying his best to patient and strong for both of us. Most of the times he is optimistic in consoling me when I am down but there are times when he let out his feeling that he really want to have a child. When our friends are asking us we would try to be strong in answering them that its ok we know it would come at the right time. Though deep inside I wanted to tell them I am frustrated and I am sad but I wont and I dont want them to see me sad. Everyday I amtrying to not think of the fact or avoid feeling down thinking of a child but working in a hospital it is really hard coz eveywhere I could see preganant woman and baby being born. What I really hate is when people keep asking even if they have asked too many times or they are just being cruel!Oh what a day today is our 10month anniversay as a married couple and 5 years of boyfriend/girlfriend and 1 yr and 10months of TTC (ouch)Happy anniversay Mahal ko thak you for the patience and the unconditional love you give me. Love you hubby ko.

What Should I do?!!!

Today marks my 6th day of my delayed period and the only symptoms I have right now is I feel that my stomach contracts or harden inside whenever I sit especially if its really for a while. Should I be happy about this or should this be a bad concern?! I don't know what to do!! I want to take a PT but yet I highly doubt that I am pregnant! I don't want to be frustrated again. But I know I need to do this so that if its negative then I'll go to my OB and complain about this. And I know that If I go to my Ob she'll just prescribed me with provera to induce my period. Same things are being done over and over again and nothing happens. It is giving me false hopes. Damn! I am losing all my patience and my confidence. I am slowly breaking down!

Impatient

It's gonna be my day off today but annoyed that I need to stay here maybe till 10 am thats 8 hrs of duty and hoping that the meeting will not take 3 hours! I want to rest already and there are lots of things that I need to do. I am trying to fool my self by looking many time in the mirror trying to see if I have a fast beat of pulse on my neck (they say it would be one sign that your pregnant) and I dont see anything unsual at all !! Damn!! I am hoping for nothing again. I am beginning to lost patience and getting mad, annoyed, frustrated and sad! Need tos say more?! how I wish someone could talk to me and help me lift up my spirit. But I know if I try to open this open they would just all say the same thing "dont rush and it will come" F*** they don't know how it feels and how I just wanted them to just listen and hold me when I want to break down!!!

Aghhhhhh

I guess some may laugh on what I'm about to post here but I don't care 'coz I need to let this out.. I'm one day delayed wahhhhh as if this is good news or bad news I really don't know. I am trying not to hope that I am pregnant and I have this feeling that I am not. I am used to the fact that I do really have different cycles and being delayed is one thing that isn't unusual. Yet, I can't help to think if this could mean somthing positive because I am taking metformin. Though a while ago as I search for metformin and read that there are a higher percentage that there are really few woman who get pregnant on their first cycle of taking metformin. I am still praying everyday that HE will bless us soon with a baby but I could never deny that I am also being impatience. Sadness succombs me but I keep on being more optimistic and ignore or hid this feeling. There is something about me that I also Love that is I can Laugh on my Sadness and Frustrations. I mean I am trying to be brave enough to be more postive and still continue to live a happy life. People around me doesnt really know how I really feel about my sadness.

Me and Hubby doesn't frequently talk about what we really feel, instead we try to live life one day at a time and contiue to let HIM guide and do his will on time. But I also know that my hubby is longing to have a child and being brave enough to be strong when I feel so down. I'm on the night duty again and its hard to make an effort to make a baby when all the stress and pressure is around you. AGhhhhhhhhhhh..I dont know what to do anymore.!

Mama Mary's Birthday

Dear Mama Mary, Happy Birthday Dear Queen of heaven and Earth. I am humbly ask for forgiveness to you and your beloved son to all the pain and sins I have done. I pray dear Queen MOther for your help to pray to your beloved son that he will bless me with a baby. Mama Mary, please allow me to be a mother too and I would do my best to teach your good words and love everyday of our life. Thank you Mother for all the blessings you kindly pour to us each day of our life and in helping us ask forgiveness to your beloved son. I pray that all will follow your teachings and that peace will reign in the world again. Happy Birthday Mama Mary I hope that somehow all your pains will be lessen as we all try to be your good children. I love you.

Waiting in vain

Today is my 30th day of taking metformin and on Sept. 8 is my expected first day of my menstrual period. I am waiting in vain..Why? I don't want to hope and I don't want to think..but somehow I know deep inside me I am hoping that I am pregnant. I don't have any symptoms that I do but thinking that maybe just maybe the medicine could help me conceive. I guess I am not pregnant and I am fighting the urge to think that I am 'coz I know that at the end if I am not still pregnant I will be the one who will get frustrated and devastated again and again.. I am not losing hope or giving up either its just that I am fighting my self not to think coz its gonna be hard at the end to know that I am not. So, each day I try to keep myself busy to divert my mind off this.

I feel that I am not pregnant because I feel that soon I'll have my period a bit of acne is resurfacing again in my leg, one symptoms that I am having hormonal imbalance and soon I know that I'll have my period. I'am going to see my RE this friday and if at the time I have my period I'all ask for the ovamit if she could already prescribe me to take that. It seems like I couldn't wait any longer on hoping that only metformin can help me conceive. I'll be on night shift this month and I know that this could be another hindrance that i may npt conceive. So, I am hoping that ovamit and metformin could help me conceive this time.

Waiting and waiting..it makes me go crazy..

Metformin

Thank you for the greetings neve and sorry for the late reply. Well what I did feel was on the first week I was bloated really bloated, nausea (super lol), sometimes I vomit or felt like vomiting and constipation. That was for about a week and half, then after that my body get used to it and I rarely have the same side effects though if I eat to much sweet I feel bloated.

Well, I check on the net also that metformin can be helpful in losing weight too coz being on the right weight can balance our hormones and some did get pregnant for just losing weight. I 'am not overweight though I feel I am hehe but I have a big tummy, I think all the glucose was stuck there and doesn't really spread equally to our body and become our energy but instead it becomes stored fats hehe. Most of the RE and OB here are recommending metformin as a first option on handling pcos and sometimes this helps us get pregnant. With me I am on the stage that my body is getting used to it as a did have a mid cycle bleeding, my RE said it was one of the sign that I'am responding to the medicine. Though I dont feel like I'm losing much weight(wish I would) though I think I lost 4 pounds but doesnt feel that I did.

My RE said I should take is for 3 mos and then if I wouldn't get pregnant she'll prescribe me with ovamit(clomid) with metformin. But on friday I'll go to her and asked if its possible that I would start it this september coz' of course I really want to have a baby. This november it's gonna be our 1st year anniversary as a married couple and I pray that by that time I'm already pregnant. There is a thread that I visit on pcos, women are discussing pcos and the medicines though it's in our language only. But I'll try to keep you posted on what's new with pcos and the medicines. I'm trying to research what's the english name for one of our plants here that some people say is a miracle plant its called MALUNGGAY its a green leafy vegetable and it really helps in like diabetes, regularization of blood, anemia and some said it did help them get pregnant. hehe I don't know if some Filipino stores have it there or maybe it has some english name I'll keep you inform.

Take care neve and GOd Bless

My birthday Wish

Two days to go and it's my 27th birthday and all I can think and wish for is to be pregnant. I'm on my 18th tablet of metformin and after all those very hard side effects I have, I am thankful that somehow it has lessen everyday. I am happy and somewhat envious and sad my office mate is pregnant again. I have been trying not to think of the people whose pregnant around me so that somehow I wouldnt feel bad, but I guess my patience and self control is being tested. It's hard working in the hospital as well you will always see women who are pregnant and fight the feeling of depression that Iam not. I am praying harder and harder day by day that He will bless me with my own and Iam planning to go St. Claire Monestry on my birthday to pray there.I' am sad yet I am trying to be more optimistic.

Hoping

It's been a while since I posted here. I went to my OB for my check up again and she prescribed me to take metformin ( humamet) for 3 months once a day. She told me that we shouldn't rush things to get pregnant and it's better to take it step by step and hope that this low dosage of helping me ovulate will get me pregnant and will balance my hormones. After taking the medicine for 3 days I had a mid cycle bleeding on 8/10/09. Since I just had my period last 7/28/09 I asked Dra why this is happening. She told me that this is what they call a mid cycle bleeding and it meant that I'm responding to the medicine. I' am hoping that this is true and that somehow there will be good progress in my ovulation and soon conceive. It's my 27th bidrthday this coming 8/25/09 and I really pray that the best birthday gift i receive is to be pregnant. I'm trying my best not to be depress but be more optimistic. But there are times that I feel that I'm losing sense in my life and become envious of those who are pregnant, which basically most people in my work are.

light feeling

I went to my new OB last July 6, 2009 and I was so glad that I did. She is very approachable and accommodating. I never felt so comfortable like I have with her than any of my past OB. She asked me about my history and positively said well we can work things out and it it give a big sense of relief and hope that I will conceive soon. Then, she physically examined me like my breast, my pelvic bone and having I. E. as well. She was supposed to have me check my pap smear but because I have my menstruation at that time she just did an I. E. I'll have to take provera on July 14 for ten days so that I'll have my period by August 1st and then I'll have to go back to hear so that she can prescribe me with ovamit and teach me more on how to get me pregnant. Loking forward on that day. I really pray that she will help me get pregnant.

can't wait..

Two days from now I'll be going to my fourth and new OB and I can't seem to wait any longer. I hope this time around she will take care of me and help me understand about my pcos and really help me conceive. I have heard a lot about her, she is known in to be a great and nice reproductive endocrinologist. Yesterday, my husband asked me when will I go and see her, surprised by him asking that I asked him why what's the problem?He then told me me nothings wrong its just someone had asked him if I was pregnant already and that made him think about what were going through. He is a very patient and understanding husband although there were times that he seems to really longed to have a baby already. He stays postive and always keep reminding me to keep praying and wait.

I'm scared really scared that I may not give him a child. I can't imagine living a life without a child and without my husband. The thought of not having them both will kill me instantly. I dont have anyone to talk to about what I feel inside, got no one to trust with all of this without judging me and pity on me. When some people keep asking me why I'm still not preganant, I keep a wide smile and joke around saying "my baby is still on vacation" but they dont know that the more they asked the more that I get frustated. Ahhhh..What should I do?this is making me insane and getting me frustrated.

bitz and pieces

The first and last time I took clomid was February '09 took one cycle for 5 days and nothing happened. My Ob didn't do a TVU or explained very well why. She just ask me to let my hubby have a sperm analysis. March, I was so busy with work and preparing to go home to our province for some vacation so we havent focus on trying to conceived and was thinking to changed OB aswell. Read on the net that there are procedures that are done when a pt. are on medications for trying to conceived so that they will able to know if the medicatiions are working. Unfortunately, My 3rd Ob didn't do such procedures and just keep on telling me "youre still young, dont need to rush things". But deep down inside she doesnt know how depress and frustrated I'am.

April came and we were in the province thought it was a vacation but we are so busy aswell going back and forth to my husbands family and mine aswell so trying to conceived didnt happened. May, back in Manila and in a month of night shift so again no time to try. I was delayed for 2weeks thought I was pregnant already, took PT twice and its all negative. Husbands sperm analysis are normal. July 1, 09 I had my period and I decided to really focus by hook and by crook on conceiving and will be going to a new OB who is a reproductive endocrinologist and has information that she is a very good doctor. Hoping that this time she will really help me and that I will be pregnat. Hoping..Praying..

Me and my pcos

I' am 26 years old , married for 6 months and a pcos warrior. Three years ago having a irregular period of twice a month, I went to an OB-gynecologist to determine what's causing this irregularities. Had a transvaginal ultrasound (tvu)and found out that I have a polycystic ovaries and even if the doctor was explaining to me what this is, I merely understanding a thing of what she is saying. All that I could think of is the word cyst? Am I going to die? Somehow the only thing that understood is my eggs doesn't mature correctly and instead of releasing the egg and start a period some of my egg just stick to the wall of my ovaries and that needs to be treated or induce for me to have a regular period. Just trying to pretend that I understand her (out of shyness to look dumb) I just ask what would be the best thing to do with this?She prescribed me with duphaston so that I will have a regular period and for 6 months I followed her advised. After I had finished my prescription she then told me to shift to a contraceptive pill to level up my hormones in which I only took for 2 months and stop, scared that it may cause my ovaries to burned out with this kind of medicine.

When I had stop the pill I begun yo bleed for almost 2 weeks so I went to another OB thinking that she could help me better and let me understand my situation much clearer (in which I did). She gave me Iberet for anti-anemic and hemostan to stop the bleeding. Took some laboratory in my blood(in which I forgot what was that called) and was told that I have a high androgen(male hormones) level and low progesterone(female hormones) that's why I wasn't able to ovulate regularly. This scared me thinking that I may not have any children, since I was young as far as I could remember there were times that I really thought what if I cant conceived?Would there be anyone who will love me and accept me? My BF then (now my hubby as well) was very supportive of my situation and both of us would like to have a baby that time. But because I was thinking of my family and wanted to be able to not let them down, we decided to wait for the right time when everything is legal already.

Anyways, back to my laboratory after my bleeding stop, my second OB again took a TVU to check what's happening inside me and was surprised that my pcos was gone and told me that it may have been the pill have melted my cyst and bleed together with my period. And I was so happy to know this. And go on with my life and having a peace of mind, I tried to leave it behind my past.

Two years after when everything seems to work out with me and my bf(hubby now) and preparing for our wedding, I seem to observed that some symptoms of my pcos has reoccurred. So, I went to my 3rd OB and was told that indeed it has reoccurred. This time after our wedding we decided that its really time to seek help.